Backyard kind of Summer

School is out. Summer has officially started and I forsee a lazy one ahead and I don't feel bad about it. Last summer was for vacations. And though I was sick and wish I could have a re-do on the Hawaiian beach, I'm kind of okay with a slow, stay at home kind of summer. Our POOL should be finished before the end of the month and I'm drooling at the idea of floating on the water with the sun hot on my face and not caring about how I look in my bathing suit because NOONE will see me. I can't wait to fall asleep at night, still wet hair falling over my pillow. I want my limbs tired from a day spent splashing and swimming in the water. I look forward to my belly aching and ears ringing from laughing with my kids...and the BEST part is it will be all from the comforts of my own backyard.

Something has to go

I have this friend...Yes I guess we are, er...once were friends. We went to high school together and ended up becoming roommates as college freshmen, hundreds of miles from our hometown. I know you would think that is enough to seal an eternal friendship, but lets just say that living together revealed her true colors and I didn't necessarily like what I saw. She wasn't thoughtful or helpful and frankly often unkind. She was dishonest and manipulative. Needless to say, my Freshman year wasn't my favorite of the college years. I have seen her a handful of times since then back in our hometown which she now resides with her husband and 4 children.  We are "friends" on several social networks so I am in the know on her happenings which she isn't so modest to report about. Some of her accomplishments include: aerobic instructor, a successful professional photographer, designed and built her home and now soon to be published author. She got an literary agent and just signed a 3 book deal with a respectable publisher.
It's not that I'm jealous. Not entirely anyway. Its that I don't understand her priorities...what areas HAVE to be lacking? Being a fellow LDS mother I feel like outside of my responsibilities to the children that absolutely have to be done each day, and doing my calling, there is a very limited window of available time to dedicate to other things. I can choose to spend it making nice homemade food, working on my house, exercising, shopping, hobbies, friends, but the key word is LIMITED or else my family and my calling suffer. Most days I exercise because I love it and it keeps me happy, I make nice meals because I enjoy it and because I know Joe looks forward to that at the end of the day and then I have time for maybe one or two other things. Sometimes I write or read. Sometimes I clean or go on bike rides. But that is it. The day ends and sleep must come. So how does her day go? By what I know of her, I can't help but think its her family that must suffer in the end. And I can't help but wonder what those sacrifices will cost her in the end. Will those personal successes be worth it in the end?

I ran this morning in the perfect temperature, just the right amount of cloud cover and sunlight. The full moon from the night before was out still, yellow against the sky, highlighting the tops of the mountains. As my feet were pounding along the pavement and no one was around I couldn't help wonder why everyone wasn't out there to witness the perfect morning.

muses of the moment

I'm sitting at the computer in the few minutes I have left alone until the baby wakes up and the older kids barge through the door after a long week at school ready to rule the weekend. I feel overwhelmed with such a mix of things....exhaustion from lack of sleep, heart heavy from lots of sad news about things going on with people around me, bursting with gratitude for my blessings, excitement for the pool being built in my backyard, frustration for the inability to accomplish everything I want to, insecure about the parts of my personality I'm not sure people understand, and very happy I get to go out with Joe tonight.

Every couple of years I like to make a list of all the things I love and that make me happy. So as of today these are the things that make me the happiest right now.
Cuddling with Eli when all the kids are at school, Friday nights with Joe, running, cooking and baking, having a clean house, lavender, Zoey being in young women, watching Joe coach Kellens soccer team, Kellen playing soccer, inspiring music, finding yummy recipes and workout ideas on pinterest, reading conference talks, playing with makeup, riding my bike with baby in his baby seat and Kellen on his own bike, working on our budget, coming up with good sharing time ideas, watching Zoey at tumbling class, seeing Liv excited about acting, Netflix as background noise while cooking, baby's fingers gripping mine while I feed him his bottle.

So I've been unable to stop eating lately. Its partly because food tastes so good to me after 9 months of hating everything I put in my mouth; partly because I'm breastfeeding and exercising again and sad but true, it's something to do. I hate the word 'skinny'. I hate that people think that is the ideal and even equate that to healthy. Certainly being over weight isn't healthy either but just because someone is skinny does not mean they are healthy.
I know I need to get some self control over my eating. I'm actually pretty proud of my exercise level considering it's only been a few months since I had baby and major abdominal surgery and a horrific pregnancy. But eating....I am addicted to sugar and food ahh!
I would like to loose 30 pounds but would be super excited about 20. I don't want to be skinny but I want to look fit. I want to fit cute in a size 6. I want to be active and have super amounts of energy. I want to be flexible and strong. I want to keep up with my kids to hike and run and bike and not feel tired until the end of the day when my body falls in bed exhausted from an active day.

Closure

I feel such a sense of peace knowing my family is complete. Being able to finally focus on my children and not the questions; the 'maybes' and 'what ifs' and uncertainty of child bearing. Though I don't totally understand why it took 6 years for Elias to come...I try not to question it too much...I trust it was intended that way for whatever reason.We are whole and complete and it feels good to really know that and be able to have that closure.  I am happy and content with motherhood right now. It's hard, gut wrenchingly hard sometimes, without much recognition or thanks, however; the joys could not be found anywhere else and it feels so beautiful to me. It is a gift that I am grateful for every minute of every day.  

Birthday Blues

Today is Olivia's 10th birthday. Zoey turned 12 a few weeks ago. Where has the time gone? My little girls are growing up and there are so many things I love about it and yet there are too many things that scare me. I know there are scary times ahead for them...moments not far off, when I will no longer be such a huge part of their lives and what I've tried to teach them will have to sustain them as they make their own choices.
I love being able to talk to them...not quite as adults, I don't want to rush those conversations, but in ways that are different and special than I used to when they were little kids.  I definitely try and be very open with them- in a way I never was able to be with my mother and hope they appreciate it- because I could have used a closer relationship with my mom. Not to blame her for anything but I think had I felt able to be open with her, it could have, maybe, saved me some troubles growing up.
I pray more than ever for help raising them. Pray I'm doing enough.

Outside is perfectly mild and gray. No wind, no blue sky...very un Vegas like in the spring. Inside my mood is very similar. Baby is napping and that precious hour of respite from motherhood is turning out very uneventful like the weather. The in-house to do list of never ending chores remains untouched today. Laundry needs to be folded, counters wiped and floors swept and yet I sit at the computer after a morning of discussing primary needs with my presidency and will myself some motivation to feel like I deserve that gold star on my forehead for all the amazing things I will accomplish today. But honestly, I'm exhausted. Physically exhausted! Night after night is a marathon of endurance to try and survive on whatever sleep I can get...and with colds all around, last night was pretty bad.
 I'm waiting for my mom to arrive from Utah. She is making the birthday rounds as she tries to do for all 23 of her grandkids which in addition to her everlong list of what makes her a good grandma is pretty impressive. I can't quite give my in-laws the same recommendation. There is certainly positives but I haven't gotten over the events from the past 2 years, which requires, maybe not a hate blog of its' own, but certainly an airing of grievance section. This is one of my biggest struggles right now. Them. I keep praying for help with my feelings. A softening. However, feelings of bitterness towards them continue to invade my thoughts more frequently than I care to admit and have contributed to many a sleepless nights. That is all for now and hope my Pandora station will play something to at least motivate completion of the basket of clothes crowding my hallway.  

Golden Eyes

We got a yellow Labrador 3 years ago. She is beautiful with golden fur and eyes like shiny gold coins. She is full of high energy, affection and lots of hair. Hair that sheds constantly! She craves non stop affection, and attention and can out bark any other dog and turned out to be the best running companion I've ever had. You could say I had a love/hate relationship with her.
 I agreed to the dog when I didn't think I was going to have anymore kids and felt like I could nurture something else. Unfortunately, after I go pregnant, any desire to nurture her fizzled away....there just wasn't a lot left over at the end of the day. The stress and GUILT, yes guilt, for not being an attentive pet owner has been building and the hate outweighed the love. In addition to that, we are getting ready to give up our backyard to the construction of a pool (YEAH!!) and felt it wasn't fair to her to limit her already restricted life. So 3 days ago she went to live with my brother who has more time, more land and desire to give her what I think she needs.
What I didn't expect, what I wasn't prepared for, was a little, tiny, itty bitty piece of my heart that went with her.  I surprisingly miss those warm drops of gold that used to stare at me, begging for whatever I was willing to give. And forget about my run this morning. It was crap!

Running

I ran today. I ran the most miles I've done in over a year- since pre-pregnancy. And I was slow and my lungs burned but for a awhile all was right with the world; not perfect but I knew I could handle whatever comes my way. This is why I love running, why its effect got under my skin when I began training for my first race eight years ago and it's power has never left; why the craving for that moment of invincibility trumps almost everything.

Parenting

I feel like parenting has been harder than usual. I'm not sure if it's because my  kids are getting older and their issues are harder or because I'm busier and not taking enough time to sort out the problem and what the best approach is -but I feel like I definitely don't have all the answers ...hardly any of the answers actually. I feel like each child is so individual and what works for one definitely is not working for another and the thing that is so overwhelming to me as I have 4 children now, is how do I figure out 4 unique ways how to address all their unique issues?
And the answer is...simply I do not know. ALOT of prayer! ALOT of hope! ALOT of trying and trying some more, some making mistakes, (hopefully not too many) and then being patient with myself for not  having everything figured out.

perspective

It is now 3 months post baby. The past 6 months have been played out in survival mode. Baby was born, practically perfect in every way! My gratitude to Heavenly Father for this continues to overflow. Recovery is always hard for me though...this time you could double that. A lot of factors went into that and in some ways I'm still recovering. My body will never recover fully....pretty sure 4 C-sections and 5 total abdominal surgeries is NOT all that natural. So everything is slow going. I know I am pretty hard on myself. There is a level of guilt that soaks all the corners of my brain if I'm not actively accomplishing and I end the day without a big list of checked off items. And a lot of days accomplishing things happen, out of necessity and sometimes I feel like I deserve that gold star on my forehead but mostly I feel like I'm treading water and doing all I can to keep afloat with that stretch of dry land moving further and further into the distance.
I have however, given myself plenty of cuddle time including bringing baby into bed with me from about 4:00 AM to wake up. This is turning into a nasty little vice that I can't for anything get myself to give up...even when 6:30 rolls around, my other kids voices fill the house and anxiety sets in that I have to start my day and I really only got less than a fistful of sporadic hours of sleep. So sleep could definitely improve but the hours we spend staring at this little person, adoring every sound and movement are ones I wouldn't wish away.