muses of the moment

I'm sitting at the computer in the few minutes I have left alone until the baby wakes up and the older kids barge through the door after a long week at school ready to rule the weekend. I feel overwhelmed with such a mix of things....exhaustion from lack of sleep, heart heavy from lots of sad news about things going on with people around me, bursting with gratitude for my blessings, excitement for the pool being built in my backyard, frustration for the inability to accomplish everything I want to, insecure about the parts of my personality I'm not sure people understand, and very happy I get to go out with Joe tonight.

Every couple of years I like to make a list of all the things I love and that make me happy. So as of today these are the things that make me the happiest right now.
Cuddling with Eli when all the kids are at school, Friday nights with Joe, running, cooking and baking, having a clean house, lavender, Zoey being in young women, watching Joe coach Kellens soccer team, Kellen playing soccer, inspiring music, finding yummy recipes and workout ideas on pinterest, reading conference talks, playing with makeup, riding my bike with baby in his baby seat and Kellen on his own bike, working on our budget, coming up with good sharing time ideas, watching Zoey at tumbling class, seeing Liv excited about acting, Netflix as background noise while cooking, baby's fingers gripping mine while I feed him his bottle.

So I've been unable to stop eating lately. Its partly because food tastes so good to me after 9 months of hating everything I put in my mouth; partly because I'm breastfeeding and exercising again and sad but true, it's something to do. I hate the word 'skinny'. I hate that people think that is the ideal and even equate that to healthy. Certainly being over weight isn't healthy either but just because someone is skinny does not mean they are healthy.
I know I need to get some self control over my eating. I'm actually pretty proud of my exercise level considering it's only been a few months since I had baby and major abdominal surgery and a horrific pregnancy. But eating....I am addicted to sugar and food ahh!
I would like to loose 30 pounds but would be super excited about 20. I don't want to be skinny but I want to look fit. I want to fit cute in a size 6. I want to be active and have super amounts of energy. I want to be flexible and strong. I want to keep up with my kids to hike and run and bike and not feel tired until the end of the day when my body falls in bed exhausted from an active day.