Backyard kind of Summer

School is out. Summer has officially started and I forsee a lazy one ahead and I don't feel bad about it. Last summer was for vacations. And though I was sick and wish I could have a re-do on the Hawaiian beach, I'm kind of okay with a slow, stay at home kind of summer. Our POOL should be finished before the end of the month and I'm drooling at the idea of floating on the water with the sun hot on my face and not caring about how I look in my bathing suit because NOONE will see me. I can't wait to fall asleep at night, still wet hair falling over my pillow. I want my limbs tired from a day spent splashing and swimming in the water. I look forward to my belly aching and ears ringing from laughing with my kids...and the BEST part is it will be all from the comforts of my own backyard.

Something has to go

I have this friend...Yes I guess we are, er...once were friends. We went to high school together and ended up becoming roommates as college freshmen, hundreds of miles from our hometown. I know you would think that is enough to seal an eternal friendship, but lets just say that living together revealed her true colors and I didn't necessarily like what I saw. She wasn't thoughtful or helpful and frankly often unkind. She was dishonest and manipulative. Needless to say, my Freshman year wasn't my favorite of the college years. I have seen her a handful of times since then back in our hometown which she now resides with her husband and 4 children.  We are "friends" on several social networks so I am in the know on her happenings which she isn't so modest to report about. Some of her accomplishments include: aerobic instructor, a successful professional photographer, designed and built her home and now soon to be published author. She got an literary agent and just signed a 3 book deal with a respectable publisher.
It's not that I'm jealous. Not entirely anyway. Its that I don't understand her priorities...what areas HAVE to be lacking? Being a fellow LDS mother I feel like outside of my responsibilities to the children that absolutely have to be done each day, and doing my calling, there is a very limited window of available time to dedicate to other things. I can choose to spend it making nice homemade food, working on my house, exercising, shopping, hobbies, friends, but the key word is LIMITED or else my family and my calling suffer. Most days I exercise because I love it and it keeps me happy, I make nice meals because I enjoy it and because I know Joe looks forward to that at the end of the day and then I have time for maybe one or two other things. Sometimes I write or read. Sometimes I clean or go on bike rides. But that is it. The day ends and sleep must come. So how does her day go? By what I know of her, I can't help but think its her family that must suffer in the end. And I can't help but wonder what those sacrifices will cost her in the end. Will those personal successes be worth it in the end?

I ran this morning in the perfect temperature, just the right amount of cloud cover and sunlight. The full moon from the night before was out still, yellow against the sky, highlighting the tops of the mountains. As my feet were pounding along the pavement and no one was around I couldn't help wonder why everyone wasn't out there to witness the perfect morning.

muses of the moment

I'm sitting at the computer in the few minutes I have left alone until the baby wakes up and the older kids barge through the door after a long week at school ready to rule the weekend. I feel overwhelmed with such a mix of things....exhaustion from lack of sleep, heart heavy from lots of sad news about things going on with people around me, bursting with gratitude for my blessings, excitement for the pool being built in my backyard, frustration for the inability to accomplish everything I want to, insecure about the parts of my personality I'm not sure people understand, and very happy I get to go out with Joe tonight.

Every couple of years I like to make a list of all the things I love and that make me happy. So as of today these are the things that make me the happiest right now.
Cuddling with Eli when all the kids are at school, Friday nights with Joe, running, cooking and baking, having a clean house, lavender, Zoey being in young women, watching Joe coach Kellens soccer team, Kellen playing soccer, inspiring music, finding yummy recipes and workout ideas on pinterest, reading conference talks, playing with makeup, riding my bike with baby in his baby seat and Kellen on his own bike, working on our budget, coming up with good sharing time ideas, watching Zoey at tumbling class, seeing Liv excited about acting, Netflix as background noise while cooking, baby's fingers gripping mine while I feed him his bottle.

So I've been unable to stop eating lately. Its partly because food tastes so good to me after 9 months of hating everything I put in my mouth; partly because I'm breastfeeding and exercising again and sad but true, it's something to do. I hate the word 'skinny'. I hate that people think that is the ideal and even equate that to healthy. Certainly being over weight isn't healthy either but just because someone is skinny does not mean they are healthy.
I know I need to get some self control over my eating. I'm actually pretty proud of my exercise level considering it's only been a few months since I had baby and major abdominal surgery and a horrific pregnancy. But eating....I am addicted to sugar and food ahh!
I would like to loose 30 pounds but would be super excited about 20. I don't want to be skinny but I want to look fit. I want to fit cute in a size 6. I want to be active and have super amounts of energy. I want to be flexible and strong. I want to keep up with my kids to hike and run and bike and not feel tired until the end of the day when my body falls in bed exhausted from an active day.

Closure

I feel such a sense of peace knowing my family is complete. Being able to finally focus on my children and not the questions; the 'maybes' and 'what ifs' and uncertainty of child bearing. Though I don't totally understand why it took 6 years for Elias to come...I try not to question it too much...I trust it was intended that way for whatever reason.We are whole and complete and it feels good to really know that and be able to have that closure.  I am happy and content with motherhood right now. It's hard, gut wrenchingly hard sometimes, without much recognition or thanks, however; the joys could not be found anywhere else and it feels so beautiful to me. It is a gift that I am grateful for every minute of every day.