Closure

I feel such a sense of peace knowing my family is complete. Being able to finally focus on my children and not the questions; the 'maybes' and 'what ifs' and uncertainty of child bearing. Though I don't totally understand why it took 6 years for Elias to come...I try not to question it too much...I trust it was intended that way for whatever reason.We are whole and complete and it feels good to really know that and be able to have that closure.  I am happy and content with motherhood right now. It's hard, gut wrenchingly hard sometimes, without much recognition or thanks, however; the joys could not be found anywhere else and it feels so beautiful to me. It is a gift that I am grateful for every minute of every day.  

Birthday Blues

Today is Olivia's 10th birthday. Zoey turned 12 a few weeks ago. Where has the time gone? My little girls are growing up and there are so many things I love about it and yet there are too many things that scare me. I know there are scary times ahead for them...moments not far off, when I will no longer be such a huge part of their lives and what I've tried to teach them will have to sustain them as they make their own choices.
I love being able to talk to them...not quite as adults, I don't want to rush those conversations, but in ways that are different and special than I used to when they were little kids.  I definitely try and be very open with them- in a way I never was able to be with my mother and hope they appreciate it- because I could have used a closer relationship with my mom. Not to blame her for anything but I think had I felt able to be open with her, it could have, maybe, saved me some troubles growing up.
I pray more than ever for help raising them. Pray I'm doing enough.

Outside is perfectly mild and gray. No wind, no blue sky...very un Vegas like in the spring. Inside my mood is very similar. Baby is napping and that precious hour of respite from motherhood is turning out very uneventful like the weather. The in-house to do list of never ending chores remains untouched today. Laundry needs to be folded, counters wiped and floors swept and yet I sit at the computer after a morning of discussing primary needs with my presidency and will myself some motivation to feel like I deserve that gold star on my forehead for all the amazing things I will accomplish today. But honestly, I'm exhausted. Physically exhausted! Night after night is a marathon of endurance to try and survive on whatever sleep I can get...and with colds all around, last night was pretty bad.
 I'm waiting for my mom to arrive from Utah. She is making the birthday rounds as she tries to do for all 23 of her grandkids which in addition to her everlong list of what makes her a good grandma is pretty impressive. I can't quite give my in-laws the same recommendation. There is certainly positives but I haven't gotten over the events from the past 2 years, which requires, maybe not a hate blog of its' own, but certainly an airing of grievance section. This is one of my biggest struggles right now. Them. I keep praying for help with my feelings. A softening. However, feelings of bitterness towards them continue to invade my thoughts more frequently than I care to admit and have contributed to many a sleepless nights. That is all for now and hope my Pandora station will play something to at least motivate completion of the basket of clothes crowding my hallway.  

Golden Eyes

We got a yellow Labrador 3 years ago. She is beautiful with golden fur and eyes like shiny gold coins. She is full of high energy, affection and lots of hair. Hair that sheds constantly! She craves non stop affection, and attention and can out bark any other dog and turned out to be the best running companion I've ever had. You could say I had a love/hate relationship with her.
 I agreed to the dog when I didn't think I was going to have anymore kids and felt like I could nurture something else. Unfortunately, after I go pregnant, any desire to nurture her fizzled away....there just wasn't a lot left over at the end of the day. The stress and GUILT, yes guilt, for not being an attentive pet owner has been building and the hate outweighed the love. In addition to that, we are getting ready to give up our backyard to the construction of a pool (YEAH!!) and felt it wasn't fair to her to limit her already restricted life. So 3 days ago she went to live with my brother who has more time, more land and desire to give her what I think she needs.
What I didn't expect, what I wasn't prepared for, was a little, tiny, itty bitty piece of my heart that went with her.  I surprisingly miss those warm drops of gold that used to stare at me, begging for whatever I was willing to give. And forget about my run this morning. It was crap!