The last months have been spent laying around on the couch, stomach bubbling, bile rising, and prayers being said that the little life growing inside me would continue to thrive. I just reached 19 weeks yesterday, my baby is the size of a mango. We had an ultrasound a few days ago and each little wave of that tiny hand made each and every second of misery worth it 100X over.
A few years ago as we contemplated having another baby, my prayers on behalf of this question never felt conclusive. I think Heavenly Father was telling me that he trusted me to make the decision for myself. This was a hard answer for me to feel happy about. I have hard pregnancies, hard births, hard recoveries. I believed the only way I could move forward with a decision to try for another baby was a firm, not doubts, fire and stars confirmation that Heavenly Father wanted this for our family. I believed this was the only way I could get through the hard days I knew accompanied my pregnancies is by holding this revelation close to my heart. Ultimately we decided to put our trust in Heavenly Father that if we were supposed to have a baby, I would get pregnant and we stopped preventing. I didn't actively calculate ovulation days but we definitely didn't prevent. 1 year slipped by. No baby. Instead my periods got heavier, cramping increased to the point I sought treatment for this. Well the treatment for this is totally contingent upon my fertility plans. It was hard for me to commit to being aggressive in either direction. Trying to get pregnant or removing my ability to get pregnant. Another year went by. Throughout this time I felt twinges that our family was not complete. Even with these fleeting feelings I couldn't commit to being aggressive about it. I did not want it to consume me and quite honestly even with my twinges, I was never "baby hungry." Joe's job had become very stressful, very time consuming and I felt like a single mom MOnday-Friday. I comforted any frustrations about not getting pregnant with the idea that I didn't think I could handle another baby anyway. Into the 3rd year of "not preventing" I felt more frustrations surface. I saw friends and family easily get pregnant....babies were born and I still felt like I was stuck between a rock and a hard spot, unable to commit to anything except just hoping that if I was to get pregnant, I would. I finally agreed last year to undergoing a surgical treatment that would look around my insides, get an idea of what was going on, if getting pregnant was even a good idea and then treat anything that was treatable. The surgery was hard on me....a lot of anxiety about it. The results were I had adenomiosis and significant scar tissue on my uterus and bladder which was the cause of my pain and cramping. It wasn't however recommended that I not get pregnant and in fact because of some ablation that treated someone of it opened up a window of time that was more optimal for me to get pregnant. WEll that window opened and closed. I really had begun to feel my fertile days were over. I certainly felt the pain from this. My heart was heavy knowing I would never carry another child again. But I also knew that I had 3 beautiful healthy kids and that Heavenly Father would heal my heart and that I would eventually be okay. I started gathering all the baby items in my house with plans for a garage sale. Then in February I was expecting my period and instead of getting it felt some reminiscent cramping that brought me back to the days when I was first pregnant with my other babies. I tried brushing it off, but really couldn't shake the lingering thought that I could be pregnant. I was out most of the day but my thoughts kept returning to this and I knew the second I got home I would take a pregnancy test. It was positive. I cried, hyperventilated for a little while and facetimed Joe to show him the results.
I believe Heavenly FAther has a plan for all of us. This includes the timing of things. I know that he knows best. I trust in that. This pregnancy has certainly not been easy. I know the remaining months wont be either. But I know that Heavenly Father loves me and loves my family. I know he has blessed me with a new life growing inside me and each day that this baby grows and thrives I consider a blessing.
