Running

I ran today. I ran the most miles I've done in over a year- since pre-pregnancy. And I was slow and my lungs burned but for a awhile all was right with the world; not perfect but I knew I could handle whatever comes my way. This is why I love running, why its effect got under my skin when I began training for my first race eight years ago and it's power has never left; why the craving for that moment of invincibility trumps almost everything.

Parenting

I feel like parenting has been harder than usual. I'm not sure if it's because my  kids are getting older and their issues are harder or because I'm busier and not taking enough time to sort out the problem and what the best approach is -but I feel like I definitely don't have all the answers ...hardly any of the answers actually. I feel like each child is so individual and what works for one definitely is not working for another and the thing that is so overwhelming to me as I have 4 children now, is how do I figure out 4 unique ways how to address all their unique issues?
And the answer is...simply I do not know. ALOT of prayer! ALOT of hope! ALOT of trying and trying some more, some making mistakes, (hopefully not too many) and then being patient with myself for not  having everything figured out.

perspective

It is now 3 months post baby. The past 6 months have been played out in survival mode. Baby was born, practically perfect in every way! My gratitude to Heavenly Father for this continues to overflow. Recovery is always hard for me though...this time you could double that. A lot of factors went into that and in some ways I'm still recovering. My body will never recover fully....pretty sure 4 C-sections and 5 total abdominal surgeries is NOT all that natural. So everything is slow going. I know I am pretty hard on myself. There is a level of guilt that soaks all the corners of my brain if I'm not actively accomplishing and I end the day without a big list of checked off items. And a lot of days accomplishing things happen, out of necessity and sometimes I feel like I deserve that gold star on my forehead but mostly I feel like I'm treading water and doing all I can to keep afloat with that stretch of dry land moving further and further into the distance.
I have however, given myself plenty of cuddle time including bringing baby into bed with me from about 4:00 AM to wake up. This is turning into a nasty little vice that I can't for anything get myself to give up...even when 6:30 rolls around, my other kids voices fill the house and anxiety sets in that I have to start my day and I really only got less than a fistful of sporadic hours of sleep. So sleep could definitely improve but the hours we spend staring at this little person, adoring every sound and movement are ones I wouldn't wish away.